One of the many, many nuggets of wisdom I learned from Nicole Bauman, GWI’s facilitation partner for our workshop series on Navigating Conflict and Navigating Feedback, was the idea that we don’t learn well when our nervous systems are on alert and we don’t feel safe. It now seems like a truth I’ve always known, but it was a revelation when I first heard it. It also explains why I so clearly remember something that happened more than twenty years ago.
I’m in a large classroom attending an info session to see whether I want to sign up for a popular grad school course called something like “creativity and personal mastery.” The professor has handed out a thick syllabus and described the components and benefits of the learning experience he offers. It sounds promising, almost too good to be true. The doubt I’m having is coming into focus, so I pluck up my courage to raise my hand. He calls on me and I express my doubt:
I think our work lives boil down to three things: what we do, what we do it for, and who we do it with. And I’ve wondered whether we might be doing well if we can get two out of these three things right.
Who knows what the professor said when he responded to me, because what I remember is what he did: he laughed at my question. My nervous system said, “No, thank you” to that kind of “learning” environment, and I didn’t take the course.
Two decades later, and three decades into my working life, I’ve had ample opportunity to think about those three things, trying to make sense of my own, my colleagues’, and my friends’ work experiences. My perspective has shifted.
I now think that even if what we do and what we do it for is aligned with our capacities and values, if who we do it with is off, it’s going to be a struggle. And I believe the converse too: if what we do and what we do it for isn’t quite right, but who we do it with is nourishing and energizing, it’s going to be rewarding. In other words, I now think healthy working relationships are more important to a satisfying and impactful work experience than either what we do or that it is aligned with our personal purpose.
But here’s the thing. The “who” part isn’t really as static as it sounds. As people, we aren’t fixed and unchanging, known quantities. And we can’t actually sign up to work with a set of people who are perfect for us, with whom we never have any disagreements, challenges, tensions, or problems.
Let your mind scan over all your relationships. Even if you’re blessed with some great ones, are there any that are perfect and problem-free? Our dynamics with each other shift day to day, interaction by interaction. We grow closer and more connected to each other, and we drift apart. It’s the same at work. Sometimes we show up to our working relationships with understanding and care, and sometimes we react to one another, triggering our unhealed parts.
We are living, breathing, learning and growing every day. And if we’re lucky, we’re in a workplace that supports us in our learning and growth. My colleague Micah often offers this bold and compelling declaration: “Our workplaces and working relationships can be sources of personal transformation…we spend too much of our time at work for them not to be.”
Maybe it’s your turn to be experiencing a doubt coming into focus, perhaps in the form of the question: but how can I access the upside potential in my working relationships?
Since the possibility of perfect working relationships with people perfectly suited to us is zero, instead of trying to find a collective effort composed of just the “right” people, I now believe focusing attention on how to navigate working relationships is of core importance:
- How might we come to accept that tension arises in our working relationships and develop shared skills for meeting those moments with intention, poised for the potential to emerge on the other side with greater care for and understanding of one another?
- How might we come to see that when fear of conflict makes us avoid giving each other feedback, we rob each other of the outside perspectives we need and the supported discomfort that helps us grow?
- How might the structures, policies and practices of our organization shift in the direction of supporting the health of living organizations composed of living beings (us!)?
These “how” questions animate our “Democratizing Work” and “Navigating Conflict” workshops, where we explore the upside potential in our workplaces and working relationships, rather than living in their downside. We have heard from so many who have participated about specific ways these workshops put them on a path toward transformation. Join us!
Image: That’s me at my grad school graduation!
